YSunday, October 22, 2006
smarter when he's drunk
there are times when you realise, no matter how far you travel down that tunnel, you'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel.
you then have 2 choices; do you continue, feeling your way through the dark, with the faintest glimmer of hope you'll see the light eventually, or do you accept that the light has vanished, and that your attempts to find it are answered only by the darkness?
it was bro's belated birthday celeb on saturday. he's hit the big 2-0 and was quite emo about that. so we found ourselves at cocolatte where he drowned it all. that was when he asked that earlier question.
i guess it's not quite a scenario-based question. rather, it's a question about life and its struggles. before i even had much time to think about it, he went on to say something strange.
he told me to never doubt the fact that he'd always have a ready shoulder for me to lean on.
he must have had reflected on those good old days, when we were once so close, then suddenly, we never heard from each other for almost half our lives. and when we finally caught up, it feels like we are familiar strangers/distant close-buds. it's quite confusing. really. it's a comforting statement to hear, after all that crap and that recent cold war we've been through.
he went on to say something much to my surprise. he said, "but still, there's only so much a person can give. just like a keg of beer. sooner or later, you're gonna be empty after passing the joy around. there's only so much a person can cry before tears run out. there's only so much a person can laugh before he draws his last breath."
emo boy was drunk but he was right about one thing. in some sense, though we want to give all we can, there is a limiting factor beyond our control that hinders the amount what we can give.
it also means, what we actually receive from others, is secondary because what matters is the sincerity behind it all. what we receive can be seen and counted, but sincerity can only be felt. it is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisble to the eyes.
i guess most of the time we're so focused on the tangibles we get from people (example: omg! a prada bag!), that we forget the intangibles. while there's a limit on the tangibles we can give to others, but there's no limit as to the sincerity a good soul offers; it's boundless, priceless and most meaningful.
the day i expire, i hope the others know that there was a lot more that i wanted to give than i actually did give. of course i may have regrets on that. but i just hope the worthy ones know, in that little bit that i gave, the sincerity was always there. at the same time, im scared my loved ones may regret that they couldnt give me more, but they shouldnt worry or much less feel guilty about it at all. they gave me more than what they thought they gave.
but then again, most of us have already forgotten to see with our hearts. it was that night, and of all persons, a drunkard, who's less educated than i am, who woke me from my "drunken stupor".
cai was here with you at