YTuesday, October 31, 2006
TIRED TIRED TIRED
i woke up yesterday morning and went running. then, for the rest of the day, i was terribly shagged out. and then today, i woke up earlier than usual to read the papers before heading to school (yes - that tutor's class is on today).
im soooo tired!!! must be the stress of attending that lady's class. hah. the class survived today. we struggled of course, but still survived. at least the lesson didnt "hang in the air" for long like the other time. so i can say, today's lesson's better. but i still find her insulting. not everyone has their own dreams and ambitions. the way she puts it, is as if what she prefers is the wiser choice.
it's scary how fast the weekend passed. but i had great company. maybe that's why time passes faster. (:
cai was here with you at
YSunday, October 22, 2006
smarter when he's drunk
there are times when you realise, no matter how far you travel down that tunnel, you'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel.
you then have 2 choices; do you continue, feeling your way through the dark, with the faintest glimmer of hope you'll see the light eventually, or do you accept that the light has vanished, and that your attempts to find it are answered only by the darkness?
it was bro's belated birthday celeb on saturday. he's hit the big 2-0 and was quite emo about that. so we found ourselves at cocolatte where he drowned it all. that was when he asked that earlier question.
i guess it's not quite a scenario-based question. rather, it's a question about life and its struggles. before i even had much time to think about it, he went on to say something strange.
he told me to never doubt the fact that he'd always have a ready shoulder for me to lean on.
he must have had reflected on those good old days, when we were once so close, then suddenly, we never heard from each other for almost half our lives. and when we finally caught up, it feels like we are familiar strangers/distant close-buds. it's quite confusing. really. it's a comforting statement to hear, after all that crap and that recent cold war we've been through.
he went on to say something much to my surprise. he said, "but still, there's only so much a person can give. just like a keg of beer. sooner or later, you're gonna be empty after passing the joy around. there's only so much a person can cry before tears run out. there's only so much a person can laugh before he draws his last breath."
emo boy was drunk but he was right about one thing. in some sense, though we want to give all we can, there is a limiting factor beyond our control that hinders the amount what we can give.
it also means, what we actually receive from others, is secondary because what matters is the sincerity behind it all. what we receive can be seen and counted, but sincerity can only be felt. it is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisble to the eyes.
i guess most of the time we're so focused on the tangibles we get from people (example: omg! a prada bag!), that we forget the intangibles. while there's a limit on the tangibles we can give to others, but there's no limit as to the sincerity a good soul offers; it's boundless, priceless and most meaningful.
the day i expire, i hope the others know that there was a lot more that i wanted to give than i actually did give. of course i may have regrets on that. but i just hope the worthy ones know, in that little bit that i gave, the sincerity was always there. at the same time, im scared my loved ones may regret that they couldnt give me more, but they shouldnt worry or much less feel guilty about it at all. they gave me more than what they thought they gave.
but then again, most of us have already forgotten to see with our hearts. it was that night, and of all persons, a drunkard, who's less educated than i am, who woke me from my "drunken stupor".
cai was here with you at
YWednesday, October 18, 2006
first day of school
first day of school started off pretty ok... but the last lecture made me feel like a disciplinary mistress was lecturing me in sec school or something. something about the lecturer, her rules on punctuality, self-learning etc that scare me. she has very high expectations. throughout the lecture, i was in a half-stunned, half-amused date. but ive to admit, no doubt she has high expectations, they are actually attainable and at the end of the day, im the one who benefits. but i just dont like the way she uses this authoratitive manner to psycho us... ah well.
on the way to lunch at al ameen with my classmates, i met effie tan on the bus!! she looks the same. it was a joy talking to her though it was less than 5 mins. but it worked wonders in lifting my mood. it's wednessday today but i was feeling the monday blues. meeting an old friend rids it all. it's nice to know that my friends are doing well. it's even nicer chatting with them, and feel that we may have gotten older but we can still relate to each other as we did when we were younger.
speaking of old friends, i'll be meeting meng and cherie tomorrow. hopefully they arent feeling the blues. speaking of polymates, i kinda miss ta02. it just feels different entering the lecture hall today. for the past 5 sems, when i enter the LT, i'll scout for my classmates. even the previous semester when i was already in a different class from them. so today, when i entered the pretty deserted corridor that leads to LT45, i was reminded of the days when we were in yr1. man. time files. time really flies...
anyways, in another 17 wks this semester will come to an end. that's... not that far away. hopefully the cranky old woman doesnt pick on me. (:
cai was here with you at
YMonday, October 16, 2006
yes no maybe, i dont know.
can you repeat the question?
cos you're not the boss of me now
cos you're not the boss of me now
cos you're not the boss of me now and you're not so big..
haha. that's the song from Malcom in the Middle. anyways, my last day of work was... great. i reached the office late (but i didnt care). but strangely, i got a lil more enthusiastic as i worked. then lunch came. had a very nice lunch of noodle soup with rae. after which, we went on this crazy expedition looking for... glass bottles. didnt find them but managed to find an alternative to store the cookies my friend baked to give our seniors at work.
we returned to work 20 mins late. but my supervisor didnt scold. hah. i took breaks in between my work to wrap the cookies. so of course, that meant i slacked a bit during work. i was lucky i can speed-wrap or else messages prompting me to work will appear on my screen.
i got more enthu as the day progressed. sorta like a prison inmate counting down to his release - he'll be willing to do any number of press-ups. yup. anyways, before i knew it, it was 430pm. time to knock off, for the last time. it was a happy sad moment. i dont quite enjoy work but i love the people. especially my supervisor, who has been really encouraging and protective - come to think of it, she never blamed us for our faults; instead, she guides us. and my workstation buddies - they crack me up.
as i was bidding farewell to everyone, returning my office stationery (yes we HAVE to return that), and surrendering my staff pass, an error message appeared on the screen. "hi, this is janice. encountering any problems?"
hah. the system tracked that i wasnt handling any cases for more than 10 mins so janice (one of the senior staff) typed this message. it's a hint that i should get cracking (janice doesnt know im leaving today). such pop-ups are usually annoying but this time, i could gleefully close the window and bo-chap about it.
so... i signed out on the time sheet for the very last time. sayonnara. as i stepped out of the building, i realised the time has finally come. (:
sorta reminds me of the time at NUS. i didnt quite like the work. but it was the people...
cai was here with you at
YFriday, October 13, 2006
the lamest pick-up line... ever.
this happened about two days ago actually. i was leaving my office for lunch when i saw the 40year-old-virgin outside the door. i tried to avoid him without much luck as it was just him and me along the walkway. he asked me something like is so-and-so working today. i said that that person's on leave. then he asked me some lame stuff about work that is so lame.
it's lame because it's about a basic principle that all temp staff ought to know, what more about himself, a permanent staff. it's as dumb as a additional mathematics teacher asking me, "hey, is 1 + 1 = 2?"
alrite, i know in some cases 1 + 1 is not 2. but still, generally it's 2 aint it? really lah, he's freaky. worse still, when so-and-so returned from her leave, i asked her if she lunches with him as he was looking for her. she said it cant be as they hardly talk and she never eats with him (it doesnt take a genius to wonder why).
even my workstation buddy, henny said it's the lamest thing she ever heard. seriously, he freaks me out. my workstation will be directly opposite his tomorrow. sigh. tomorrow's my 2nd last day of work. why must this happen?
today's friday the 13th. nothing bad really happened. but i bought new flats from charles and keith with rae during lunch. was paranoid that bad luck would strike- afterall, my current pair of slippers are showing signs of wear and tear. surprisingly, they didnt snap at all. but sooner or later ive gotta say sayonnara to them. so it's not exactly a waste buying the charles and keith ones today.
i'll be meeting fel to cut my hair this weekend. i guess botak is the way to go cos long hair requires so much maintenance. this song sounded creepy the first time i heard it when i was 15 or so but it's suddenly stuck in my head for no reason. ):
cai was here with you at
YWednesday, October 11, 2006
"sorry i forgot that you're a girl".
i really freaked out when my friend told me this. i mean like what? all along you thought i was a guy or an "it"? he lamely said that i just have "habits that arent very girl-like". wow.
stereotyping. you know how much i hate it, for it oversimplifies the world. what are the traits of a stereotypical girl? so are all girls expected to display such traits in order to be called a girl?
ok maybe im being a total ass today cos i just realised i dont have any more coke at home. when i say coke, im referring to the drink, not the drug.
i'll be getting my pay soon. i'll be leaving my workplace soon. i'll be seeing jen, meijuan and rad in school soon (havent seen them in sch for ages). i'll be meeting meng soon. hopefully cherie and huiling and olivia too. i'll be... i do have plans for the future but that's provided, i wake up alive tomorrow. im so tireddddddddddddddddd.
cai was here with you at
YTuesday, October 10, 2006
stuffed
i ate so much yesterday for lunch as well as dinner. i lunched with rae and tucked into quite a large serving of korean seafood noodle at united square. oh and that reminds me, i accidentally cut queue when i made my order at the korean stall. i stood at the wrong end of the queue but the cashier didnt chase me away. in fact, he took my order before those who queued. lol. i really didnt do that on purpose.
dinner was steamboat at marina bay. bee's birthday celebration. ate quite a bit of meat and got real stuffed. so stuffed that i decided to give the ice cream a miss. watching eunice and jus play time crisis reminded me of the days when i was fifteen. gawd. i remember it was around the christmas period and i was working. during most of the lunch breaks, my makan-kaki dragged me to the cine arcade where we trashed it out. that's like, 4 yrs ago. suddenly i feel so old now. hah.
hmm.. actually ive got something bothering me but i just dont have much time to think about it. i saw a shadow on my wall today. dont know where's it casted from but it does freak me out cos it's obviously a figure though not mine. that happened on sunday but lately i leave home early and come home almost close to sunset so i cant investigate much on it. sigh. hopefully it really is my imagination.
im quite pissed today cos all my colleagues bank books got credited except mine. my supervisor is trying to trace if there's any errors but really, why must it be me? so suay man. pray hard that tomorrow i get my money. ):
cai was here with you at
YSaturday, October 07, 2006
forgetfulness can be a blessing...
that's one thing ive learnt on this job. 16 of oct will be the last day of my service there. that's about a week away. i cant really describe how work's been in one word. it's a mix of everything. i've had some fun; i've had some frustrations. i've had a good supervisor, i've had a bad one. apart from the some new friends ive made and the sweet supervisor of mine, i feel rather nonchalant about leaving.
yesterday i handled a tough case. that person left me with a sarcastic remark. the remark's not about me but it does affect my mood somehow. i feel as if im the punching bag that has to take blows for nothing. so, sometimes forgetfulness can be a good thing cos you hear all sorts of rantings that no doubt ridiculous, but are so damn annoying. thank god ive forgotten what happened in the past 3 weeks of my work. if i did, i may end up in an asylum. (:
also, i guess im lucky that i dont get personal attacks by those peeps i handle. one of my friends at work was screamed at and called a bitch. right. if any of my case subjects were to scream like a mad dog and call me a bitch, maybe i'd just innocently say, "wow, but how can that be? im not the one barking."
seriously, i hate angry demanding adults who insist on having things their way. and when they dont get it, they act worse than spoilt brats. they hurl abusives and think they're so clever. i thought there's nothing worse on earth than kids' crying. looks like i've thought wrong.
sigh. the haze.. it was so bad yesterday that on my way to the bus stop, i decided to flag a cab instead. later at night the PSI went up to a 150. but there were still hardcore soccer players at the farrer park field. i dont wish to think how much carbon monoxide they've breathed in.
going for lunch now. bee's birthday is tomorrow. amazing how the weeks fly by. it feels as if it's jiahui's birthday celebration just yesterday. lol. birthdays, birthdays... i just realised today that one of my dear friend's present is semi-covered in dust. long overdue. *wry smile* but we'll see each other soon.
mum's putting stress on me, for no reason. it's silly but it stresses me. for some reason, the topic on dialects came about and she said i should learn my dialects. dialects, with an "S" at the end cos my mum's cantonese and dad's teochew. my... i dont wish to learn either. to be honest, i'd rather learn hokkien. and she kept insisting that i should speak my own dialect and whatnot. it's annoying. to her, all things cantonese are the best things in the world. not that im anti-cantonese but i just dont like such a prejudiced mindset.
besides, if i learn both cantonese and teochew, im sure to screw it up and churn out something worse than singlish.. that's right, it'll be "can-chew". yucks. if it really happens, that's a fact too hard for everyone to swallow.
and my lil sis, she irritated the hell out of me by insisting she left her retarded prefect's badge on our dressing table. i happened to tidy our table this morning and after she realised her precious badge was missing, she got possessed by The Bitch. sigh. wont talk about it.
whoops. door bell rang just now. my neighbour handed me mooncakes. yes, we have nice neighbours in little india and he's chinese in case you were wondering. haha. he has a really nice flat (afterall, he's an interior designer). some pot luck dinner will be held at his place on sunday but... i think i'd give it a miss.
cai was here with you at
YFriday, October 06, 2006
phobias and
couple of days ago, i was handling a tax case when suddenly i heard the fire alarm ring. fear gripped me. for a moment i thought of standing up and running down stairs.
that sounds really kiasu but the fire alarm really did trigger unpleasant memories. there was once, i worked at the heeren. a restrauant on the same floor as where i worked caught fire. the place was smoky and smelt toxic.. prolly due to burning of plastics. the alarm sounded and i fumbled. most of us at the shops were unprepared. i didnt even know where the stair case was.
but of course, i did make my way out (if not i wont be here typing away). still... maybe some trauma got etched in my head. i never used to panic when the school fire drill sounded.
anyways, my mood is quite foul today. wont go into details about the event but i'll tell you how i feel. *takes deep breath* i feel as if im being treated like a prostitute, in the "do favours for someone but they just dump you after it's done" kinda sense. ah well, it's not my loss.
the haze is horrible. i was with bl in the esplanade area. and goodness, there were peeps on the hot air balloon thingi taking photos. god bless them, that's all ive got to say. haha. my nose is leaking like crap and my eyes are watery. but i dont know if that's due to my work or due to the weather. whichever it is, i feel sucky. full stop.
cai was here with you at