YMonday, July 31, 2006
what if...
i woke up this morning with a heavy heart. apart from blogging and a lil bit of msn-ing, much of my time last night (and the wee hours of this morning) was spent reflecting on world issues - prejudice, stereotyping, hate, discrimination, wars, terrorism, the new world order. yes, i was trying to get started on my WISP assignemnt.
amongst the issues mentioned, the new world order depressed me the most. it's the biggest consipiracy in the world. it's unjust, and so inhumane... saw the movie Hotel Rwanda? it was based on a real story. to think that the UN (and the rest of the world) could just choose to ignore the genocide.... let hundreds of thousands of lives end just like that. to close one eye and let all that bloodshed happen...it's.... so...disheartening? yeah, you always thought the UN would step in and play mediators in times of need. That, is so naive.
this world is warped. it's just... so wrong...? it's disgusting. why wont god step in and bring the crazy chaos in lebanon to a halt? probably as i'm writing this, people are dying in hospitals. why wont god knock some sense into the perpetrators? i mean, even if they emerge victorious, they would still have lost much. dont they know? or is this yet another of god's lesson?
Hebrews 13:1 says Let brotherly love continue. let brotherly love continue... continue? can it continue when it seems as if brotherly love has ceased to exist in the first place? it's hard being optimistic in a world like that. it sucks looking at newspapers, watching channel newsasia on tv mobile... arent you sick of it too? it wasnt easy for us to come to earth. but people kill and slaughter as if blood is water. i'm tired of it. it's ironic that while most countries are striving to achieve world class status, they still act in barbaric ways.
suddenly it seems what's going on now is scarier than what's said in the book of Revalations.
i'm lost. and i'm hurt by what i see, and what i can feel. im not satisfied being just a fly on the wall. im not satisfied just saying a prayer. not that i lack faith, but i dont wish to be idle. yet... i just dont know what to do. leave it to god? it would be easy. still, i cant pray and just sit idle. i just cant.
i need some light. and so does the rest of the world. we have all fallen out and are living in morbid darkness now. or maybe the Big guy is amongst us - physically in human form right now. He could be a peace activist, marching on the streets with a slogan in one hand, trying to be one of us, to unite all of us, to bring back the sanity and the humanity that we once had in us...
cai was here with you at
slack day
ive had quite a slack day today. missed my morning class so that i can have enough energy for my afternoon class - which consisted of a graded mock job interview. i fared pretty well in the interview. so school for me today was just um, half an hour! hah.
i headed to Shaw in the evening to catch the lake house with alvin. i met alvin last month at a magic competiton at Kovan. he is a magician. he's quite good at sleights - something that i still cant do. i am after all, merely an assistant to my magician sis.
yeah anyway, the movie? *sigh* romantic. not exactly my sort of show but i liked it. i've fallen for keanu reeves, like a suicide from a bridge. i was cursing in my head when he ran out immediately after reading that darned letter. right... wont be a spoiler. but the movie did sway my emotions (or at least, remind me that i do have emotions) - something that most movies failed to do.
alvin did ask me what i thought of the flim. i said it was romantic but too unrealistic. and he asked me why. i thought the answer was obvious - there were too many coincidences. and such love in the movie, well, is too strong to be real.
but he did show me the flip side of the coin. his view was that the plot actually mirrors everyone's own love story and the challenges... the waiting game, how both aprties wished they could have met at a better time, how coincidences keep bringing people together...
yeah i guess that's true. life is magical (pardon the pun) in some ways.
cai was here with you at
YFriday, July 28, 2006
pseudo-princess
i know it's mean to mock at those who have a lack of taste when it comes to clothes... and to be fair, i admit to commiting fashion faux pas in my life. but hey, even if i was caught by the fashion police, i bet the charges pressed against me for my "crimes" wont be as serious as that for being decked in a puffy-sleeved white top, "pweety pink" balloon skirt, and, how can i forget? a headband lined with fake pearls and a pink bow to emphasis that bit of "girliness". urghhhhh. fake crown!
one look at her at the canteen, and the first thing that hits you (after you recover from the severe shock/gagging) is the word "princess-wannabe". you'll be surprised. there are people our age who THINK they ARE princesses and DRESS like one. maybe it's ok for us to think we're princesses. there are girls who like to be treated with respect, showered with gifts, feel protected, be pampered, dream of that knight who'll come into their lives and save them, and live happily ever after. ok, im sounding extreme but anyways, i am FINE with that "i aspire to be a princess" attitude. afterall, i have a secret wish to be a princess too!
right, did i just hear you cough? ): sigh. yes, i do dream of being a princess... but i think i need to clear the air about my princess dream. pretty princesses playing damsel in distress arent for me. i wanna be an arrow-shooting Amazon princess warrior. uh huh.. quite a mouthful but basically a princess that kicks real butt! a princess warrior who cuts off her right breast to use the bow more easily. yes i know this is a fantasy, just like the "im a pretty princess to be worshiped" mentality - nothing but a fantasy. that's it. i dont go round being dressing myself as an Amazon even though i know i've got the wild hair to carry off the look. neither will i slit my right breast and walk around the sunny island of singapore with a bow and arrow! like over my dead body.
so, little princess-wannabe is petite and fair. (those bullshit fairytales about royalty all have FAIR princesses dont they?) she thinks she is a princess - that's fine with me. everyone is entitled to have their own fantasies. but to go to the exteremes and don princessy clothes, accessories and have princessy curly dyed brown locks is too much to take. it makes her look desperate and crazed and immature. sorta like as if she won the worst-dressed title in a halloween party if you know what i mean. what can i say? most fantasies are unrealistic. that's why they are fantasies. coming to school dressed as a princess surely doesnt help in being respected and treated like royalty.... .
cai was here with you at
YThursday, July 27, 2006
exams in 21 days
eunice and i were pondering how many days there were to the exams. sigh. twenty one! i havent started. that's not surprising cos ive been reading storybooks lately and struggling witht tutorials. anyway, couple of things cheered me up this morning.
1. i left my house late but reached the classroom early
2. the fruit of labour's ripened! got to know our grades for the sweat-blood project for Financial Markets and Services - my group got a grade so high that i thought i was dreaming. ive always had a bad feeling about the project actually. was afraid that we'll score low and stuff, and then i'll get blamed for putting in a whole chunk of irrelevant info (the report was damn wordy). but wow, my tutor loved the report. i worried for nothing.
3. i got my inspiration for my resume. yay. when i write things, be it formal or informal stuff, i need to find a muse.
so... yeah. i got inspired... done with my resume but have yet to print it cos
1. ive got a new cartridge of black ink at home but im lazy to instal it
2. ive yet to buy the fancy paper to print my resume on
point 1 sounds lame but really, it is very frustrating when i am ALWAYS the one installing the cartridges. im not the only user in the house. someone else should do it for a change. rahhh.
the things i need to do over the week end
1. world issues reflection. not as easy as you think.
2.mock job-interview preparation
these are graded assignments, both due on monday. think im gonna be stuck at home this weekend.
cai was here with you at
YMonday, July 24, 2006
yellow
"look at the stars,
look how they shine for you
and all the things that you do."
last verse of "Yellow", by Coldplay
i just returned from the playground. i like to visit the roof-top playground when it's dark, and allow myself to be hypnotised by the stars and planets that sparkle against the nightsky canvas as i lie on the children's slide (i call it my psychaitrist's chair). i dont know why but i feel some sort of connection and comfort and understanding whenever i look at the nightsky. or it could be a sign that im going mad. afterall, it's about time the effects of reading too many sylvia plath poems start showing. hah.
speaking of literary works, ive been reading proper novels lately, not those poem books that can be read within an hour. novels may be boring to you maybe. but i quite enjoy reading lately(im surprised myself). i guess that's because it's been more than a year since i read a proper novel. the last book i read was the Da Vinci Code and that was when i was selling merlions at suntec! but anyways, the thing about me picking up reading again is a good thing actually. it does help me relax, especially on days when im feeling too angsty or PMSy to meet anybody.
sadly though, i doubt i can sustain my reading habit cos exams are looming! but even nearer are the deadlines for my personal reflection for world issues, and my resume. and yeah, a graded mock interview for a job application. the other two assignments are graded too. i guess, there is no end to deadlines. i hate being tired. but what i loathe even more is being idle.
so... for the coming holidays, i may take a job (hopefully related to my course of study to keep my brains from rusting). i may do community service (spreading joy to others rids all weariness). but of course, i'd take care of my health (meng is very worried. i know i look like crap but hey dont fret. there's always plastic surgery and organ transplant and voila! i have a brand new body).
random thought of the night: "if YOU were Job, would you still have faith?"
cai was here with you at
YFriday, July 21, 2006
argue argue argue
my sis and i had a row just now. she demands that i find her thumbdrive for her - although i swear i had returned it to her last week and had placed it on her bedside table. if you go to her room, you'd see that it's worse than a pig sty. her stuff are strewn all over the floor. and her bedside table has turned a hell lot messier than it was when i put her thumbdrive last week. how irritating. i bet she used her thumbdrive but forgot she even used it, and hence where she kept it. argh. i'd wish she'd stop pointing fingers at me.
that was my elder sis by the way. as for my lil sis, she's irritating too!!! mum just ironed my white tote bag yesterday at my request. i happily put it on the headrest of the director's chair in my room. this morning, i found it on the seat of the chair, with other stuff stacked on top of it. needless to say, my bag got creases all over!
so i sighed. it was too early in the morning to curse. i put the bag on the headrest of the chair again. and many hours later, i found that my sis has put the bag down again, and hid it under her HEAVY bag. so my tote is SERIOUSLY wrinkled. why cant she spare a thought for me? how dumb can she get?!
i dont dare ask mum to re-iron the bag for me. she's gonna think im irresponsible etc when it's not even my fault. oh, and what pisses me off even more is that my lil sis lost this necklace which was a gift from a friend. a close friend in fact. my sis ought to be shot. it's not so much her carelessness that irks me but its her INDIFFERENCE about the matter. so what if she's younger? all that leadership training camp (which we paid hundreds of bucks for) ought to have thought her the bare minimum stuff on responisbility, at least?!
my sisters are so irritating. im fuming so much i cant get to sleep. yes, i AM an angry girl today. i have more people to rant about actually but it wouldnt be very nice. i figure my behaviour is due to menopause cos i feel 60-ish right now.
sigh. i'll either have to avoid my sister the next 1 wk or so, or dig her room and find that bloody thumbdrive of hers. but i just have this strange feeling... that she left it at a friend's house.
cai was here with you at
YThursday, July 20, 2006
sick
im falling sick again. could be due to the rain. or it could be due to... my sis! she likes to open the living hall windows real wide though i hate it. i cant stand the cold. sigh. hopefully this bout of flu doesnt spin off into something nasty - the exams are coming. quite a few tutors have been reminding me that. talk about sian-ness.
im having a real bad headache right now. for the past two nights, i get headaches at this time. i should go now. got an early class tmr. school will be longer tomorrow too. sigh.
cai was here with you at
YMonday, July 17, 2006
sickening
i hate it when people are so anal about punctuality. i knew i was slightly late by 6 minutes today as i made my way to class. i was apologetic about that. but... when my tutor began making a big fuss over my late arrival, i didnt feel so sorry anymore. instead, i got frigging pissed.
ok, i was late - no doubt - but it's by a mere 6 minutes. and half the class has not even arrived yet! if the whole class has arrived and i come in 6 minutes late, yes, i accept his tekan-ing. but attendance wasnt even half way there and he's being such an ass?! also i dont see why he's praising earlybirds who dont do homework, when yours truly (being slightly late by a mere 6 minutes) did all my homework and got an earful!
it's extremely demotivating. but i've decided: i'm gonna reach school early on future Tuesday mornings! im so gonna make sure i reach the classroom before he does. and if he arrives at 9:01 to unlock the classroom doors, i'll be equally annoying and ask "is it my watch or is it 9:01 already?"
yes im childish. but he's sickening and he started it! even when he took my attendance, he was like, "i know who you all are.. all your pictures are here". right... big deal. but guess what? he took quite some time to match my face to that pic in his class list. haaaaaaaaaah. *rolls eyes* yes sir, you're so smart.
cai was here with you at
YSaturday, July 15, 2006
it never rains but pours!
yes, that's the perfect idiom to describe my life right now. ive been going through a SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS! my bad luck continued yesterday.
it was raining - heavily in fact. as i was walking near the porch of my school, one of my slippers slipped off and went behind me. in a hurry to retrieve it, i spun back without thinking, to find my face less than an inch away from a stranger's. i collided into him. he was shocked. so was i. and so were the people around me. they probably think im a desperado trying to steal a kiss... yup. it was humilating! i think i need plastic surgery over the weekend... i'm serious - there were many many witnesses. it just had to happen at a crowded place... just my luck! really.
to make matters worse, my jeans were slightly damp and clinging grossly to my shins. rahhh. i'll probably get rheumatism or however you spell that before i reach the age of 25. i rushed to the lecture hall but was still late... by 10 minutes. hurriedly passed notes to my friend - seeing him drenched from head to toe (with really sucky wet hair) kinda cracked me up. that's mean but perhaps its human nature to once in awhile look around and see others worse off than ourselves, to get some form of reassurance. it's warped. its wrong. it's crazy. but it just happens.
oh, my third toe's bruised. the lock dropped on my foot couple of days ago. yes, say "yeowwwch" for me. and please say it again one more time cos my friends have been stepping on my foot accidentally. -___-
on top of all these crap, i caught a cold. also, some bugger borrowed this DVD from school which i have had my eyes on! couple of days ago i checkd that it was due on the 13th. so i went on the 14th(yesterday) to find the DVD and to my BLOODY dismay, it's on loan again! ive gotta wait til the 17th. so that was the first time i cursed in hokkien.
that's not all you know. ive been having sleepless nights. my stupid neighbour downstairs... my goodness, they hang clothes out at 1am! so now i know why ive been hearing bamboo noises at midnight. but i really shouldnt have investigated. it's so frigging gross to see my big fat pot-bellied neighbour with just a bath towel around his waist, bending down to take clothes from the washer. urgh. that was such a disturbing sight. i couldnt get to sleep after that. it was totally disgusting.
no wonder they say curiousity killed the cat.
anyway, i got depressed preparing for monday's EPM presentation. i tell ya, i'm quite screwed cos my group has just started DELEGATING work today. yes. delegation only - we havent actualy started on the project! and Hooray, we have like less than 48 hrs. fuck fuck fuck! this is yet another frigging rat race. really. im so sick of fucking projects. i'm losing my headdddddd. damn. last week i was so estactic cos i thought all my projects were over but noooooooo. i overlooked this one. kanasai.
yup. so in an attempt to rid my "negative energy", i did a lil bit of art just now. *blushes* haha.
i "borrowed" Fiq's masterpiece... (Dark Intentions)
and transformed it into... something in digital art form and more girlie. haha.
yes yes. mine pales to syafiq's in terms of depth. im still a noob when it comes to Adobe - i havent figured how to do toning yet so thats why the rose looks really flat. bleah. besides, i havent really put my heart and soul into an art piece for so long. it's gonna take sometime before i can re-ignite my passion for my favorite sec school subject. )':
still i find this piece is pretty encouraging... im already thinking of making it into my blogskin if i EVER find the time to do so. har. i can imagine it. really: the text box will be next to the rose. and those four words - "love, peace, hate, destruction" will be for the intro, the blog, the tag and the links! dang! if only i can find the time.
this is great... i just realised how much i miss art class.
cai was here with you at
YThursday, July 13, 2006
my neighbour
there's this foreigner who lives on the 14th floor, 3 floors below me. and ive bumped into him quite a few times - unfortunately - in the lift or at the bus stop. i can describe him with just one word - that is, Frrrrreaky.
the way he stares, the way he chats me up... i always feel like screaming and running away. he's always staring... in a weird manner, which really makes me uncomfortable.
whenever i see him at the bus stop, i'll ignore him and stand far away, usually behind him so i can watch him, not he watch me. but he's quite sharp - by the time i notice him sitting on one of those granite seats at the bus stop, he's would have already spotted me.
so anyway, we met in the lift, again, today. when i entered the lift this morning, i had this nagging intuition that told me i'd meet Mr Creepy. and it did happen. gah. but luck wasn't too bad. because on the 14th floor, not only did Mr Creepy enter the lift, there was this other guy, who was... well, smartly dressed. (Ashworth shirt mind you!)
i sucked my breath as the lift moved down 14th floors. lucky the guy with the ashworth shirt was in the lift. i mean, Mr Creepy's really someone you wont wanna talk to. so in a way i was saved from a freaky conversation....
but of course, i still couldnt help but worry... i mean, he's heading to the same bus stop as me for sure and i dont want to walk with him. i had to think of either an alternate bus stop or an alternate route. before i knew it, we reached the groundfloor and the door opened. we three stood where we were. my ashworth-decked saviour told me, "you first". i thanked him before dashing out of the lift.
as i was walking to the bus stop, Mr Creepy was watching me as he took the road parrel to the one i was taking. he even looked directly at me. you know how scary that was?! i bet he even knows which buses i take!
bleah. im so gonna wake up earlier and take the early bus in future! he's really freaky. i mean, hey, im not some deluded looney who thinks every guy is in love with her. i am objective enough to be able to differentiate between a friendly person and a creep. Mr Creepy is a creep. no argument about that.
cai was here with you at
YWednesday, July 12, 2006
she's a MONSTER!
my day started out bad today. like so fking bad.
1) i got chased by a cat
2) i was stranded at my bus stop with no bus
3) some woman stole the cab from me
4) i paid $7.40 for half a journey to school (damn the cab fare hike!)
5) i stepped into a puddle
6) i reached class 20 mins late (my school has this rule: come later than 15 minutes, considered absent)
7) i didnt bring my laptop in which my homework was stored
8) i lost track of assignments to submit. there's one due today - in hardcopy. and ive submitted the soft but didnt bring the hard.
ok. i know point number one sounds the most ridiculous to you. but yeah it happened! when i stepped out of the lift, this cat peered out behind the pillar. it mewed at me. so i meowed back. i walked. it meowed again. so i meowed again. as i took a few more steps, i sensed something running after me.
zomg! it was - *gasp* - the cat! i walked faster. it followed. my mind raced. then i decided to take the risk. stop in my tracks, turn back, look into its eyes and in my head i pleaded. gosh i was scared that the cat will leap up and scratch me. but it didnt. we stared into each others' eyes for maybe 5 seconds. my fear was soon gone. the cat wasnt mean. maybe it wanted to play. i felt sorry for the cat. strangely, it seemed to understand. and didnt chase me afterwards as i hurried my way to the bus stop in the drizzle.
anyway, today i ate like a hungry ghost. i ordered yong tau foo. the auntie gave me a huge bowl of rice. as i was about to tuck in with my friends, this other clique of girl-classmates came to our table. one of them pointed "see lar, eat yong tau foo, thats why so thin!"
-___- i could only smile politely and defend myself by saying, "hey, but it's a hugeeeee bowl of rice!" her friend agreed that it was huge. really huge. no kidding. when the auntie passed the bowl to me, i was like, "what the hell!". it's like the serving of two and a half regular rice bowls!
so um, back to that girl who was commenting about me. she said confidently that i wont be able to finish it. "at most you'll finish half". yaya. she prolly thinks im thin cos im annorexic. i told her, "i'll eat more than half."
i ate at my own pace. happily, in fact. it didnt take me long before i finished the whole bowl of yong tau foo, and the whole bowl of rice. that girl who was always telling me that i'm thin, suddenly turned to look at my bowl. "omg! she can finish?!"
you should have seen that smirk on my face... the feeling i had... i dont quite know how to describe it.
but what i do know is, the more people underestimate me, the more i like proving them wrong.
cai was here with you at
YSunday, July 09, 2006
strange
i dreamt last night that i died. the dream was sad and creepy. from where i lay six feet under, i could see my rather distraught family and friends, throwing white roses at me. then came the dirt, further blurring my last view of loved ones with each pile thrown over me. i closed my eyes as i felt an immense weight push me down, into the pitch-black. i was fully buried. completely hidden from the view of the living. and i smiled.
i dont know why i smiled but i did. and i suspect this dream's all BL's fault. he cursed me last night, and said i'd die if i continue my masochistic ways. alrite. i'm guilty of self-torture. happy now? i admit i didnt sleep the whole of saturday and only went to bed at 5am on sunday. i also admit to putting myself at risk of caffeine overdose by drinking 5 cups of tea on sunday to stay awake.
argh. quite a few around me have been nagging too. but please understand. it's not as if i take sick pleasure in staying up late and working on projects. frankly speaking, if i could, i'd rather sleep the whole damn day. crap. hey, now that i said it, this morbid thought just hit me... it's regarding the dream. i mean, maybe i smiled when i was "buried" because i could finally sleep at last? maybe i was that jaded. so my subconcious mind wished i was better of dead. nah that's quite stupid. i <3 my sucky life, cos in the midst of being in deep shit, i find a pot of gold. haha!
hah. ok that's not so funny. anyway, ive been charging like a bull during the weekend to meet today's deadline. now that most of my things have been submitted, i can take a breather. so you guys dont need to worry about me. i swear i'd get myself a plenty of rest. really need some beauty sleep - i mean, i really look like crap now - emaciated with "my mother's wrinkles, (and) my daughter's pimples"... that's a double, no... that's a triple whammy! arghhhhhhhhh.
hah. im back. got interrupted earlier. this malay UPS (united parcel service) guy was at the door just now. my sis had ordered something from the US. i must say that delivery man's not only lame, he was hitting on me. flirty guy. urgh. before he passed me the package, he was asking questions like, is this a five room or four room, why am i not in school etc.
as i was signing the package, my name "huiru" looked distorted. im not used to the electronic pen, it looked like 'linda'. he asked, 'linda'? and i was like, "yeah!". but his flirting - no doubt disgusting - is an ego boost for me. maybe i dont look so bad afterall. ok im deluded. and im sounding narcisstic. but perhaos, it's in God's plans for that flirt come just as i was about to smash my mirror...
cai was here with you at
YSaturday, July 08, 2006
unexpected
at 1plus this morning, i got an unexpected call from bro. he said he was hospitalised at tan tock seng and feeling bored. that's quite shocking. first of all, he and i were not on talking terms for 4 months so i didnt expect him to call me. also i wondered why was he hospitalised? honestly, gang fight was the first word that hit me.
anyway, i visited him just a few hours ago (in the early afternoon). i got him a mickey mouse balloon from the gift shop on the ground floor of the hospital! teehee. you know the hard ones on a sitck with a head inside so it rattles when you shake them? yeah, those. i was glad, nonetheless. bro smiled when he saw the balloon through the glass door. haha. hmm... but not so much from delight i guess, because the first thing he threw at me was "what the fuck?!" when i handed it to him. but seeing him smile made my day though. (:
sigh. i want him to get out of the hospital real soon. that idiot is apparently SO BORED in his room that he fiddles around with the wires of the indicator that measures his heartbeat- occassionally causing a 'missing beat'. yes that's retarded but wait till you hear this: he also flexes his muscles when the blood pressure machine takes his blood pressure every hour so the blood pressure measured is over a hundred (the regular b.p. is seventy plus)...
he said he did try to reading a book max lent him, but he got bored (and he whined that no one bought him FHM). bro's really crazy. when no one's with him, he chats on his mobile phone and texts god-knows-who, which is not allowed by the way cos the signal from his phone affects the machines. he doesnt care, does he?! when i was there, i saw him smsing with my very own eyes. and then i realised... he must have called me last night while he was on his hospital bed. tsk.
bro told me i looked so pale and tired - more like a sick patient than him. hmm, maybe that's true. everyone's been commenting about my appearance lately, that i'm thin, pale, tired, and the best one - haggard! but it's true. all these late nights have caught up with me and sucked all my energy within. bro's quite high but i know beneath his naughty crappy facade, he's pretty vulnerable and unstable inside (why else did he end up in hospital, needing a stomach pump? i suspect suicide. duh. but he wont tell me). he tries to hide things from me, just like i do when he reads my mind - and he really reads my mind well... alrite, reading my mind doesnt require talent cos school has always been my headache since young. haha.
but bro's harder to comprehend. having been mentally and verbally abused by his mum, even till now his mum still shows biasness towards his lil bro, he's grown to keep things to himself. i really wish i could enter his head and see what's going on. see the stuff he refused to tell and ease his insecurities. he suffered hell since his parents divorced. his mum ill-treats him! i remember one bad case when he was in pri5, he got kicked out of home by his mum. he had no money on him so he had to walk - on foot - from his balestier condo all the way to his aunt's house at toa payoh. can you imagine? back then, a child less than 12, having to go through things like that? and early this year, he found out about my parents not being too happy about me hanging out with him... so feelings of rejection by your own family members... it only hurts him more.
if you understand maslow's hierachy of needs, you'd see that one will need love and a sense of belonging, before one can achieve a healthy sense of self-esteem and finally, self-actualisation. so yeah, now you know why i always try to show concern for bro, else he'd go back to "the dark side".
time passes fast when a) it's a saturday and b) you're having fun. i felt sad walking through the doors of bro's hospital room - for i know i wont be visiting him again soon. once this week kicks in, that's it: i'll be freaking FREAKING busy! then again, i am already supposed to be charging at full speed - got 4 assignments due on monday, just that i took some time off to pay him a visit, for it's been so long since we last talked. and i missed his silly antics too. yup. but i'm glad that short visit did wonders in stress relief (: now if only i can get that strength to work on those 4 assignments... *zzzzzzzzzzzz*
cai was here with you at
YThursday, July 06, 2006
NETS
the bad thing about shopping with NETS is that i cant really keep track of how much i spend. but personal financial woes aside, ive been having quite an ok life lately. it's thursday and ive been to town 3 times thus far! that may sound pathetic to some of you but really, it's quite an improvement for me already. (you know, during my post-test break, i only went to town once a week?!)
yesterday i caught Just My Luck with the girls. um... chris pine is so not gush-worthy in my opinion. and i prefer the brunette, boobier and plumper version of lindsay lohan. the blonde skinny her isnt as charming. AND i found the plot for Just My Luck pretty sucky. in fact, there wasnt really a "climax" for the movie. thank god McFly added some spice to the show. but still, it was more of pepper than chilli padi spice. the plot was draggy. there wasnt even any tension. it's predictable. the epitome of boring! this movie is more for pre-teens. not my kinda thing. im disappointed. mean girls was nicer.
anyway, we saw Utt at plaza sing. he's back in singapore! i think he looks less skinny now. still, he looks better in person than on screen.... wait why am i taling about him?
dinner yesterday for me was a mad rush cos i had to fly home and work on my report. but i did manage to complete it (yay!). submitted it this morning and went to town for lunch at crystal jade with some of my classmates from my old class. i did a lil bit of shopping too. alrite. before you peeps think "uh-oh.." at my mention of the word "shopping", i'd make it clear - nothing bad happened. i just bought something today because i needed it.
yup. a pair of black trousers from zara. i bought it so that instead of always teaming my black formal top with a skirt, i can pair it with smart pants instead. (: i did exercise self-control today. i stopped myself from getting a cute green Zara kids belt - though it was really a good deal - just $9.90. haha.
umm. i think i was fine last week when i shopped, just that i felt down afterwards because i realised that i had spent too much time on the unreal, buying stuff which no doubt wearable or useable, do not really make me a better person or give me security like family and friends do. plus, school was creating a rift between me and those i so need to spend more time with. hopefully i master the art of effective time management... alrite not hopefully. i NEED to master that art. else, i'd become... a child molester. right im kidding. see, i need to hang out more else my sense of humour will turn even drier! (:
OH! by the way, my magician sis is coming down to perform in ngee ann! im not gonna be her bunny but she needs my support. but i dont wanna watch the magic show alone. i need some company . tickets are 5 bucks. money goes to a charity. children's aid fund or something like that. event held on monday, 5pm at ngee ann. sms me if you're into magic, into me, or simply, doing the part of a good friend and keeping me company. haha. nah, seriously, do it for charity if you can. or if u are free. ta!
cai was here with you at
YSaturday, July 01, 2006
into the head of a first-time compulsive buyer
We decided to call it a day. Under the street lamp, we said our goodbyes before heading separate ways. Lugging a couple of shopping bags which contained my "proud conquests of the day", I made my way along Orchard Road to the Orchard Emerald bus stop.
But something strange happened. As I walked, the high I got from shopping seemed to evaporate. I felt more empty than ever. Walking against the direction of the night breeze, I began throwing questions at myself, which only got me more confused.
I started drowning in thought. What on earth had possessed me? The Hungry Great Singapore Sale Ghost (afterall the 7th lunar month is coming)? Am I feeling ok? Was I really happy when I shopped? Ok I was happy shopping. But why is it that I don't feel the same now? Am I'm buying things to subconciously starve off feelings of insecurity? or boredom? or something else?
And that term, "retail therapy"? I don't quite like it. I suspect that it's a commercial trick which has duped many women for centuries. Some of us just can't get enough of shoes - even though we have a whole rack of them that allows us to wear one pair each day for the next 3 years.
Yeah, it's common that girls buy things to make themselves happy but... my point is, we could be buying on impulse, because we are feeling sad, angry, bored, insecure, yada yada. Engaging in "retail therapy" is synonymous with running away from issues which may need to be addressed.
Then again, it may be hard for girls to understand what I'm saying. They may even be scoffing at me right now because it makes no sense to them. I understand. Women are very emotional creatures. More emotional than practical, in fact. When something bothers us, we rant just to let steam out. We don't rant to find solutions. We rant to make us feel better. Solutions come second. Same way with shopping perhaps. We shop to make us feel better. Similar to how drinking works too...
Ah! Perhaps it can be better explained by saying complusive shopping is like binge drinking: it doesnt solve my problem, it just makes me forget my problem (temporarily). and of course the nasty after-effects of both addictions never fail to make me feel more empty and shitti-fied than ever (with reference to not just my wallet but my mind, body and soul too).
Psychologists don't recommend retail therapy to clients. 'Retail Therapy' is just a term some smart-ass business minded person came up with, to make people feel less guilty about their complusive buying habits so that they will continue to make his cash registers ring! And I, was one of the conned.
cai was here with you at